despondent dickonson frogs

2005-10-15T22:34:00.000-07:00

you're not only almost here
you're always there

i need to accept it. i really do. GOD HELP ME.

yeah ok work timetable
1. CALL JULIA
2. do maths like a madwoman
3. do some chem on the comp
4. DO MORE MATHS
5. checkup with lit group?

my life can be happy, really. i dont think i'm going to really smile and mean it. for a long time. HAI.
confused.

2005-10-02T04:09:00.000-07:00

typing this password always reminds me of what is now past but is still so present.

i find that i should be insanely happy that my fairy tale has come true. as in i could never ever EVER have imagined that it would be as fantastic as this. you are truly perfection and even your imperfections aren't bad, you know? makes me even more - should i say it?- okay let's say in LIKE with you. i know that there is much i don't know. for example whether you like me or no. but that really shouldn't matter so much to me. i am lucky just to BE with you. there honestly doesn't need to be anything besides that happiness. being too forward looking and thinking about too many things at once just... makes people miserable.

well what this was meant to say is I WILL NOW STUDY. and pray. and hope tomorrow will be better. or not better, rather, that tomorrow will be happy in the many small ways each day is better.

i can treasure things for what they are; i can stop thinking about what they are not. but first i then need to know what they ARE.

but hope is always good i guess..

some form of detachment now might make my life happier, yeah.

chinese. now. hai.

lit journal #1

2005-09-22T01:39:00.000-07:00

mere chance?

HAI I DONT KNOW. MAYBE LOVE DOESNT FEEL LIKE THIS; MAYBE THIS IS NOT LOVE.

bu zhi dao.

i need to. yeahhhhhhh.

one way by hillsongs has... an interesting memory for me now. grin. that really makes me smile =)

ONE WAY. JESUS.

i normally do not like christian rock. but i will always remember that i think. the dancing. i love you so much sometimes. is it taboo to say even that? i dont like this hating.

i dont like wanting to stab myself in the stomach. over and over again. not so much wanting too as feeling the equivalent of that pain. i know it's time to detach but i'm sorryy it's wayy easier said than done. i need to enjoy the MOMENT. as long as you are alive and there in front of me, all is well. i really dont demand so much. maybe one day i'll look back and say ER. but i dont ever want that to happen. i want this to be a happy memory. its not worth it trying and then the next day i can't bear to look at or talk to you. but i know that you're too polite and socially adept to make anyone feel uncomfortable around you. and no matter what you have been a good friend. talk about clicking right away man. you have made me feel happier and more alive than ever before and i think. i think i will not demand nor expect too much because you're naturally nice and sweet and that doesnt mean i mean anything in that way to you. but i cant help it will still smile to you because really what other expression could one use when you're in the vicinity?

on religion
you are my strength when i am weak
you are my all in all.
jesus, lamb of God.

when i fall down you pick me up
you are my all in all

yes so i will trust in God, smile and be generally a nice person to be around. and put my talents to their best use. i think i would like to be a doctor [note my careful words after reading the purposedrivenlife] and save people's lives because i feel irrevocably driven towards it. there is so much shit in the world that i really dont wanna be a lawyer.

wishes and dreams that have yet to come true
all of my hopes all my pain

lord i offer my life to you
all i've been through
use it for your glory
as a pleasing sacrifice
lord i offer you my life.

all that i am
all that i have
i lay it down for you.

oh er lit essay. ARGH. sighsigh. at least i feel happier now.

2005-09-13T01:59:00.000-07:00

hmm.

i think i just found the answer to eternal happiness. which doesn't compromise my morals nor require me to lie to myself.

all i have to do is smile at people when i see them. a genuine smile. and a wave

yeah man.

[i think i know who this applies to the most of all]

it's like DON'T WORRY BE HAPPY. just smile and people will naturally smile back =)

well i hope. ah well that's all i can do and hope for, anyway. au natural.

grin be myself be happy. cos i shall enjoy just being with you. i remember now what it was like. i shall be happy just SEEING you. grin grin. THAT'S THE SPIRIT.

ok my life plan for the next few days
exercise a lot
read up alot on med bio [endocrine system!]
read poetry
write chinese.
read chinese books.

for now some downtime. but i'm up and running again yes. i dont know what i have learnt, but i'm definitely moremature more cautious and most of all. i feel me.

2005-09-07T08:38:00.000-07:00

maybe it's time for more poetry.
all i can do now is hunker down and study
try to finish as much tonight as i can
and hope that tomorrow things will be better
not better as in FANTASTIC THINGS WILL HAPPEN, but that tomorrow, and tomorrow's tomorrow HAS to be an improvement. i will believe.

AND NOT BE IMPATIENT.

i will pray that God will guide me to do the right thing. mmmm
hh. =p

2005-08-30T21:50:00.000-07:00

tired and i don't know why.

this is all i can type for now.

i dont know about lit in jc anymore. i am far, far too prosaic. but at the same time so emotional that-

hai.

lit hits a chord in me somewhere. but i really do have abominable novel analysing skills. maybe i'm not too good at seeing big pictures.
but i'm really good at picking out details that may not exist, seeing parallels and foreshadowing everywhere, showing where it first started and the intricacies of how messed up the speaker is. i wonder why, huh.

i am worried that i worry that i am not worried about bio.

ARGHHHHHHHHH.

i'm just tired [and i need someone to lean on]

just a sight, you know? just the sight. living breathing being.

but it's okay. resist temptation. laugh bounce it is good =)

i am surviving on God's constant love. in my darkest times he is CARRYING me. God is all around me. in my heart, in my family, in my friends. i have to believe this wholeheartedly and try to assimilate it into my life. into my annoyingly human mind.

ok. today i MUST finish DNA replication and try to do half of cloning.

i guess i am learning a lot about life through all this. and that's the point really. i like to think im getting more mature. ok not so sure about THAT. but yes getting your fingers burnt once is enough. sunshine is knowing you are alive =) as in. you, not me. although sunshine IS BEING alive and being able to KNOW you are alive, to think about it.

ohhhhh i should cut it out.

SELF IMPROVEMENT.
grades, thiness, dubiosity.

GRACEFULNESS.

to be fun to be with.
is not something i have forgotten.

but fun and happiness is mildly different.
with HIM it's ... slightly bitter and weird.

i should shut up right now. and i thiiiiink i get the horoscope now.

my academic life will be beyond reproach
and i will pray a lot and hope [i KNOW] someone hears me.

ciao.

2005-08-30T09:02:00.000-07:00

12- 1am MUTATIONS
1-6 SLEEP
6 wake up, get paper to write notes for teachers, bring to sch
celebrations
11-2 1
2-6 2
6-7 exercise + shower + dinner
7- 12 4

yeah mannnn

i am tired.

MISSION: SAVE CHEM EOI

2005-08-26T07:22:00.000-07:00

i give up. i am so so so tired. life is complicated.
OKAY. i will attempt to finish the chem calculations worksheet. despite my great imperfection.

10.25- 11 chem calc
SET ALARM FOR 7AM
11- 7am SLEEP
7am WAKE up, make nice hot drink or something
7-10 read online notes about enthalpy changes, chem energetics all that crap
10-2 go pp's hse
2-6 search out LOTS of practice on enthalpy changes + type out notes on it
6- 6.30 skip and shower
6.30- 10.30 do the chem energetics discussion qns
10.30 onwards fix organic chem until it is shiningly perfect

sunday
do chem and physics tyses alternatingly. one hour each.
read lit essays for a break.

i am SO TIRED but i will force myself. and i know that God is with me. He will give me strength. as well as that, which will fortify me and make me go on. cos of that, i will finish that chem calc rev ex 2 tonight. so there.

badminton is SO tiring. will rethink yes?

BUT nothing will get me down. NOTHING CAN IMPEDE ME. mmm. must make my dream come true. CHEM 100 HERE I COME. YEAH MANNNNNNNNNNNN.

2005-08-23T06:04:00.000-07:00

DAMN YOU.
hai.

friendship really is more important to happiness than i thought.

i guess i had to learn that lesson soon. yup so when i am at hOME i will study REALLY HARD so i can enjoy myself at school. waaaait, did that make sense. haha. even bringing my work down is better than nothing, man.

yeah and i'm officially not talking to you. POUT.

ok eli.
from 9pm to 12pm is 3 hours. i can do LOTS of maths, yes?
YES DAMMIT.

this will be quick

2005-08-21T05:00:00.000-07:00

DAMN THE UNIVERSE
DAMN EVERYTHING
DAMN HOROSCOPES
DAMN PEOPLE WHO RAISE MY EXPECTIONS. YOU AND YOU.

I TRY SO HARD TO FOCUS. BUT I CANT. CAN YOU APPEAR MORE AND YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT?

DO YOU REALLY THINK I FORGET SO FAST?
DO YOU REALLY THINK I CAN GET OVER IT? AND THAT NOT SEEING SOMEONE I REALLY WANTED TO SEE CAN MAKE ME HAPPY AND CONTENTED SO I CAN STUDY THE WHOLE WEEK REALLY PROPERLY?

EVERYTHING SUCKS RIGHT NOW.

i am strong. this is just a harder test. no one can be on a perpetual high. these few weeks have been good. they have been happy. i have tried to be a better person; i have tried not to be antagonistic. i have been happy cos i've been trying to be a happy, better person. cos i want to feel like i deserve the blessings God is giving me. i get my weekly fix of you and i'm cruising and - oh- it couldn't last forever.

i got greedy, i wanted too much.

i'm DAMN PISSED at the world right now. which really, is unfair. to everyone. everyone who can't help the circumstances.

i will believe that this is a lesson i have to learn now. and for this i will study so hard. AND i will try to keep thin and fit to hai make myself feel better? God is more powerful and loving than any horoscope. God is trying to tell me that things will happen after my eoys. and that it is BETTER for it to happen this way. if i fall in love before my exams i'd fail.

i will trust in the lord that eventually good things will happen. i cannot control when or where or how. i will focus on what is before me which is
1. studying
2. running

i will be secure in the knowledge that good things WILL happen to me, and not pine for them. or something. and when they do, i'll treasure them.

the worst and wrongest thing to do is to blame people for something which is not their fault. i cannot blow up at someone who is helping me nor get pissed at someone for not showing up when they are not obliged too. i mean, duh.

ok. i will 1) type polymer notes
2) do chem discussion qns on polymers
3) start on bio notes

tomorrow morning i will
1) go running
2) do the aprime math worksheets like a madwoman
3) then finish my sch. math revision worksheets
4) go for tuition
5) do more bio notes

impossible is possible.

hermitry

2005-08-18T09:12:00.000-07:00

i am so so so so tired
if i am to blog every day at 12midnight yes i guess i would be tired

i am not tired perenially well not REALLY.

anyway
i feel like something is eroding my identity away. and that something is MYSELF and CIRCUMSTANCES [ out of my control??] i dunno i really don't. haiiiiiii

OKAY. it doesnt matter for now. now all that matters to me is
1. that[please God let it be good]
2. STUDIES
3. be thin pretty attractive

my life for now will revolve around studies then. with that as the bright spark in my life. i will plow on. and pray so hard. i will pray now then sleep.
goodnight.

grin

2005-08-16T11:13:00.000-07:00

TIRED.
OKAY.

it will sustain me.
now before i sleep i gotta finish the weird bio worksheet.

tomorrow i will do the english summary, and all the random math qns in class. THEN do some rs (mainly recording the singing), and extend deadline for library books and come home to FILE UP THINGS MADLY. [mainly for chem bio phys lit ss] spend the night reading newsweek and english notes!

thurs & fri i shall devote to doing math practices so i can ask mr kok all my questions at one shot.

sat and sun i shall devote to chem calculations and figuring out the chem kinetics shite

mon and tues will be mugging bio

wed and thurs will be mugging phys.

YEAH MAN.

i have supreme self-control.
AND. not only that. the Lord will help me. Help me Lord, I pray.

2005-08-15T08:59:00.000-07:00

OK
ELIIIIIIIIIIIII
must WORK.
tonight- do as much math as humanely possible
tmr during sch- do english summary, and A LOT OF MATH.
at night- read chem books like no one's business

wed
read a lot of newsweeks
come back early and consolidate chem, bio and physics notes!!!

thurs
come back early, do chem calculations & chemical kinetics shite. I WILL TRIUMPH. i can do this. i will FIGURE OUT chem calculations and chem kinetics. [love sees me through. and i don't mean the transient sweet sort but God's and Mary's. i need to understand that this is all given by God and that no matter what God's love is constant BUT this is a gift from God and i will treasure this]

fri
training
fix chem calculations shite! betcha wont be able to finish on thurs BUT WILL CONQUER IT

sat
do A LOT of tys-es. for PHYSICS.

sun
FIX BIO. read idna.org.

I CAN DO THIS.

ok basically tonight: math
tmr: math

2005-08-08T08:20:00.000-07:00

i dunno.
tired.

today was good i say numbly.
ice-cream, and exercise thereafter
and lots of mindless mugging thereafteR. works wonders for the soul.

won't talk about that except to reiterate to myself. SHUT UP ALREADY ABOUT IT. and trust in God.

he will find me The One.

now my duty is to
1. not piss people around me off aka SPREAD THE LOVE
2. exercise like crazy and eat normally ie TODAY'S JAP NOODLES [YUMMMM] and swensens' extravaganza is IT. no MORE. water and apples and when weak yoghurt in school and basically HEALTHY FOOD.
3. mug my brains out.

in studying i will focus on
1. chinese A1!
from now on my chinese revision consists of reading all my 18 books before my o's. before eoi's i will just read about 30 mins a day maybe? after eoi's it'll be like 3 hours a day.
2. chem 4.0!!
a) TYPE OUT NOTES
b) DO WORKSHEET.
c) DO CHEM CALCULATIONS REV WS
3. BIO 4.0!
well i'll try my best and pray.
4. MATH 4.0
in math i will allow myself to smile to myself and think and allow that to carry me off on a wave of math-doing.

apart from that. DON'T THINK.
God, please help me. Amen.

2005-08-07T09:07:00.000-07:00

this stops here and now.
no more emotional unloading. if i have to say something i will say it here for once and for all.

from this moment i will try to think of my REPUTATION, perhaps.

having typed that i am paradoxically too tired to continue.

would you think better of me if i did not like someone because of shit reasons like academic reasons? i know not.

but whatever it is, i have realised that
1) the world is more and more liberal. and especially for geppers perhaps? we're more liberal. i believe that we believe in love and irrationality.
2) my friends are truly friends.

i haven't the faintest idea, nor will i pursue it. but i will run/ skip my heart out.

will stop fantasizing, really.
Lord, please help me. Amen.

2005-07-28T02:04:00.000-07:00

it could all be tosh and i'd never know. right, that's rather untrue. as in i wont know NOW and i will nacht have ease of mind. will prayyyyyyyyy.

OKAY. ELI TAN.
5pm- 6pm type out physics formative spa
6pm- 7pm finish reading chinese book
7pm- 8pm go running 7 shower
8pm- 10pm do MATHS
10pm- 12pm learn more sec 4 chinese words.

SLEEP.

wargh rs

2005-07-26T01:47:00.000-07:00

rs is killing me
okay i aim to finish transferring most of the files by 6pm

i am dying from inefficiency.

determination and prayer will get me through. any trying time =)
have an awful stomachache. am wasting my life away in this DAMNED computer lab dammit.

2005-07-23T22:56:00.000-07:00

ticks are killing me.

there is no end. life is interesting BECAUSE it is a challenge.

i hereby swear on my blog. as my dep [and d] penenace:

i will not talk about my hypothetical love life to my friends anymore. cos in the end it

1) never works out
and 2) they get really annoyed after a while

i wishhopepray this works out, i really do.

memories are meant to be cherished inside me.

from now on, this term will be devoted to only work, and thinking about that. heck everything else. next term onwards i'll care more about other people's lives. i won't talk about my own any longer. the truth is i'm sick of my life or rather, dissecting it. i dont want to think any longer about how much it sucks, i want to just improve it.

i'll think it to myself. make myself happy, then pass the love on. in different ways.

i will also not blog it, for it takes away the magic

have said too much.

God, let the magic remain. grazie.
see you.

so

2005-07-20T23:39:00.000-07:00

tells you something about now.
life is not drab so much as draining not so much as non-existant not so much as not worth existing for not so much as so painful sometimes trying not to think at all is the best way.

i am in the ultimate pits. every step i take brings me further in. and it is just so ULTIMATE. so INEVITABLE. i dont think i can achieve half of what i want and need. but. i will try. now.

1. finish black book typing out by 3.30. I CAN DO THIS.
i can totally do this man.

thoughts of that seem so far now.

life is like a well. when your well is dry, there is little to write poetry about. today and (plausibly) tomorrow seems like wet, slick, viscous OIL. black.

i am indeed a fucking alkane in this fucking chain of fucking life.

2005-07-16T20:13:00.000-07:00

I SOUND LIKE SHIT HERE.

I HOPE NO ONE EVER FINDS IT. WTFFFFFFFFFFF.

hate myself sometimes.

lonely when will you come?

2005-07-16T20:00:00.000-07:00

i am so so so so lonely. that is the epitomy of rubbing in. and of course you're fully entitled to it and of course no one knows how much they hurt me ever.

i am also very very fake. i am this shell. i have nothing inside me. i did once, and i didn't like it. (so i tore it up and threw it away) i dont know where it is, sometimes it peeps out but it's always the wrong parts that do so. when im most confident and talking non-stop my secrets and others always come out.

everyone else around me is so ... INDIVIDUALISTIC. in good ways. so talented, so LOGICAL.

and here i stand, a tree in the forest, and all the rest are reaching for the sunlight.

i have no talent,
i am ugly and fat
i am illogical
(i cannot find love which i want so much)

i have only one, no two dreams. two impossible dreams.

1. to become a surgeon. nothing, nothing will dissuade me from becoming a doctor. i dont want it for the money. do you think i care for money? to me money is like some bartering game. here i will pass you this paper stuff and hand over the food, merci.

i just have this FEELING, this CALLING inside me. like it's IMPERATIVE that i do this and that i see no other future. you know other people plan for their futures, which university, which coupla courses, if i can't do this i'll do this? i see one road. the road turns and the next few parts are... obscured by trees. i can see the end and i know even then becoming a surgeon is not the end. it's HARDLY the end. it's a springing board up into something i want with all my heart - BEING a surgeon. and being one will be so arduous but thinking of it my heart sings for joy.

i must strive on.

2. to find love.
i dont know how why when.
i hope my heart will not be broken too many times, but if i find the one (say when i'm 20something) it will all be worthwhile.

i believe self improvement comes along with finding love. as in. to be loved you have to be a good person. i will be a good person.

now i'll blast music and do maths.
AND I'LL KEEP OUT OF THE OATMEAL COOKIES.

=)

2005-07-14T01:35:00.000-07:00

what i have eaten today!
breakfast- muffin and beef patty and cheeeese and an orange.
recess- 1 tuna sandwich, 1 egg sandwich, 1 chicken curry pie
lunch- blueberry milkshake, beef ramen
dinner (hopefully)- noodle and cauliflower and chili and many apples.

OKAY. aurgh. restraintt.

hai today is going to be okayyy....

i will save our rs project. yeah man. i aim to try to import all the files by today! and put them into the main thing at the bottom of imovie which is NOT the trashbin, merci beaucoup. then i will make a pretty list of what else we have to film and how and plausibly when =) being organised feels great. THEN like thhe supah woman i am i will go home to do lots of work! [i used to think i could write well but I guess now i write like any other normal person. and that SENTENCE alone makes me sound so positively egoistical. ) anywayyy yeah.

homework list:
1. type out english expo on one of the three quotations msng gave us.
2. do as much physics as i possibly can
3. do as much integration as i possibly can
4. email mr law to talk about rs and ask him to transfer files etc.

we are not all deaded. hope DOST exist.
i guess this makes us apppreciate everything more...

now i will quickly try to put everything i can into the movie, edit as much as poss and then go home =)

2005-07-13T08:06:00.000-07:00

i am tired. i have one thing to say. i RULE.
i am random. i DONT KNOW.

i rarely do this but - i am happy for the moment that i have managed to do all that i have managed so far. in the process i have unexplainably lost most of the shreds of credibility where it really mattered to my heart.

[debate]
[you]

but i have gotten over one. i dont know. i cannot debate anymore for i talk far too much crap. for a while i thought it was better to be able to say stuff with confidence and a smile but.

I guess substance (or lack thereof) hits you in the ass like bad karma.

i can't say that i've gotten over everything. i like typing my blogger password for it is most theraputic.

i think that i feel nothing more and the real reason i feel like shit is that i feel

1) that i talk too much crap that no one thinks of anymore they just want me to expire
2) i feel fat. as in. i feel thin RIGHT now, thank God, after eight rounds you'd expect so. but i feel UNATTRACTIVE. i think that's defninately got to be a sucky feeling.
3) it feels... like crap when people you want to talk to you don't talk to you.

i am an alkane in the chain of life INDEED..
the reason why poetry does not work for me this time is that my feelings are so complicated that even i don't quite understand. love is unexplainable, feeling like shit because something never was is something quite horrible.

i'm tired, my eyes are closing. i've worked hard, these past few days. on bio, on math. [thinking about matters of the heart which for me amounted to absolutely nothing. and it's so damn draining.] i deserve to sleep, for a while.

perhaps tomorrow things will be clearer. if not, at least perhaps i can clear more homework; run in school; fix some rs.

my credibility is NOT shot to hell. i believe that one can always change impressions for the better. i will talk LESS crap, i will think more, and i will run a hell lot.

for now, goodnight world, may tomorrow be brighter than tonight. (which makes sense, really)

i was honestly happy today. it was the company!

tonight i was reminded of unpleasant stuff. it's worse to be connectedly quiet than unconnectedly chafing for connectedness? hard fight. and i just... go off msn and dont talk to people who do care for me, who i really do care for. i think i'm just tired. it's the running.

tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow.

2005-07-01T09:02:00.000-07:00

all i can say is i suck.

i feel like something is scouring my heart. saline solution yeah?

you're falling out, i'm falling in
so it's goodbye again
it's way past time
for one last try
so it's goooooooodbye again
it's in your mind, it's in your eyes
so it's goodbye again

it's way past time for one last try, so it's goodbye again

how inappropriate for i'm still here to play after that.

i'm taking control of my life right now. yeah man. i know i have this power to turn my mind to what i deem important. and especially whenever there's pain behind.

(you're the one that's gone and i'm still here)

so many people i seem to have drifted from in the shortest amount of time.

(make you put me in my place)

where you are i'll never know, but i'm still here
if you were right and i was wrong
why are you the one who's gone
and i'm still here
maybe tonight it's gonna be allright
i will be better
maybe today it'll be okay

i was shattered, and i wanted you to come and make me whole.
when i saw you yesterday you didn't notice you just walked away

cos everything that makes me feel alive
the lights go out, the bridge is burned
but i'm still here
remember how you used to say...

i walk a lonely road...

there will be no pain, only concentration. i'll bring myself to tears then focus on something. but something manual. maybe i'll do math on my table and blast music. til i dont know anything anymore. not something creative for i'd have to THINK. all these things so starkly obvious. i'll forcibly turn all these thoughts washing up onto something else. pain fighting a different kind of pain. i will conquer both.

it should work. considering how deep these wounds go. the interesting thing is how its just snippets of things here and there. small things mean far too much to me yeah? hey slong as it works.

i pray for peace really i do.

sat
12 - 2am finish math hw
10- wake up, go running
11- math tuition. fix ALL MATHS.
1 onwards- FIX BIO PT. draw structure out and dammit just start.
7- go running

sun
- do physics tys for work energy power

mon
- morn nuh
- afternoon movie and hope pray i can at least be happy even if i can't socialise or anything.
- night finish learning sec 4 words

tues
- prep with junrs til 6
- 7 go running
- finish learning sec 3 words

I CAN DO THIS. it isn't phenomenal. it's me. let's see how much pain i can dissapate like this.

no i haven't shilianned for i've never been in a relationship ever. i just feel like a stupid loser on all counts. it isn't just any one person, but what's happening in all areas of my life. i ate sultana biscuits which reminded me of the shit i got myself into last time. didnt improve my mood yeah?.

tired. basically tonight do finish math homework, come back and do bio. i can do this. math. MM. i look forward to the torture already. that's how much i already hurt in the first place. and more running tomorrow- more torture!

let's keep this dissapating of helpless energy at a healthy level yeah? maths and running. makes me feel better already =)

Sigh. Listless. [ouch]

2005-06-29T09:18:00.000-07:00

ok.
before i do anything, i have to clear my thoughts. like MAJORLY.

my horoscope
Today you may become very conscious of the limitations imposed on you by circumstances and other people. Your task today is to not let yourself be overwhelmed by them. One effect of this influence is a sense of loneliness or inability to communicate with others. You feel that here is a gulf between you and others that you can't possibly cross. What you are experiencing is the real gulf that always exists between people. But there is no need to let that truth drag you down. You may not feel this effect psychologically, as described above. Instead you may find that you are actually unable to communicate with people, or that others constantly get in your way and hold you back. But you have to make compromises. If you are honest in expressing your needs to others, you should be able to work it out.

hysterical laughter. perhaps i am going insane.

i want to cover my face and solve all problems.
SO MUCH for the eloquence and poeticism i'm supposed to accquire from it all.

ok. i. i don't know. maybe i need to accept things sometimes.
determination is not... always good.

this is such treacherous territory. dont know what to do, to say, how to react. to ANYTHING anymore.

i used to have this instinctive social bible in my mind that i could use to talk to friends. i dont know why it's failed me now.

im definitely too emotional about a lot of stuff. but. rationally speaking? could there be any other way? perhaps i should follow not just all the horoscopes but LOGIC and just study really hard. but that's hard, you know? that's hard. it takes discipline. and when everything you're feeling hits you in the stomache [actually the heart, but for some reason you double over in the stomach]. it's like being tidal-waved. today was a culmination of a lot of things. debate was... ok, actually. i think it was okay. i miss debating itself because i have NEVER been good with this volunteering your ideas thing. never. i can do it, but it's such an extreme effort.

for some inane reason today i felt stupid and inadequate. i am aware i am fast losing it. how many times must've i had said that? but it's true, really it is. and that perennial ache there. i didn't run today and maybe i didn't run it off. but i ran yesterday and nothing's solved. i should just solve my schoolwork and hopefully everything will fall into place? no i think that statement has just no logic. i will solve my schoolwork to keep myself thinking of everything and so that the future will be so much bearable to even THINK about.

i'm not connecting with anyone, these days. so much for vibes huh. i hate vibes. i'm sick to death of them. i hate feeling these feelings. i want to wander around jurongeast library, doing random maths homework and zuowens and be wishing that my soulmate was around the corner.

maybe i'm not too lucid at this time of day.

i truly want to be a better and nicer person.

i have a problem, you know? i try too hard and i end up not being me. i don't care what people think or if they think i'm still being me cos i can tell. it's these tiny things i do that tell myself i am doing it again. small changes, huh. but maybe people just change, including myself. i can barely face my friends with my changes. i feel embarrassed, like i should be exactly the way they last saw me. so i try to change myself back. like WTF am i doing. i am playing charades with my life. especially on msn. i feel this unexplainable need to be on the same wavelength which to my mind means talk the same way. i don't understand myself.

i think that is still a valid core of pain.
i also think that is a sign of harmony. as in. it's blown over and for that i am indefinately grateful. i really admire people who actually practice these hard things the bible prescribes.

"forgive and forget"
and the thing about treating your enemy as your friend

though the flip side that it's all a farce is so. damn. painful to endure. i dont know whether i'm getting used to the waves of pain or it's just making me more and more tired. think it's getting weaker like the alternating current. being demagnetised. but that's just one finite analogy when in my mind and heart there are so many layers. each thing that happens means something and i have to remain constant and. consistency is just so hard but i wish with all my heart for it. i wouldn't say it's a farce though, the flipside is very kneejerk reactionish.

so will i then. the irony of it all is staggering. literally.
i am sorry for all i have ever done to my friends and the best thing is they forgave me and each other, and now season is long over we are finally bonded again and- and i really dont think they held it against me at that time? which was great but apparently i didn't learn my lesson.

but because i'm not sure what's the right thing to do or say ever, now, i'm so confused. perhaps in my heart i will erase all preconceptions and be mindlessly friendly. but is that being me? i think it is. for my preconceptions are often deluded and muddle things up. and my judgement is notoriously bad. as in. sometimes.

it's all hysterical if you think about it. i would write poetry, but my overwhelming impression of these few days is that of many chickens squawking insanely and loudly and running round in circles. and the truth is i am too tired to rehash everything and some things i quickly skip over but dwell upon subconsciously before i catch myself. and meanwhile my schoolife on the parallel track is not so much derailing as maybe very slowly veering off. so all in all? going wayy off the track.

i MUST persevere or NOTHING will come of all my dreams and hopes that mean so much to me. next comes timetabling and what i gotta do. and i'll do it =) and i'll pray really hard to God to right things in my heart.

im sorry i have been bombarding you people with all my problems. i will from now on refrain from using people as blogs. got me into shit once and i didn't realise. i will learn. painfully but surely. for now, work. timetable next.

1.48- 3 PHYS expt as much as poss
3-4 phys homework as much as poss
4-5 math homework as much as poss
5-6 draw out my bio pt plan for REAL. like considering the stuff i have and everything. YEAH MAN.

I CAN DO THIS. you can't stop me.

*
one day yeah one day. but even if no, my dreams override this.
meanwhile i will run 3.2 k every damn day as long as it's not raining, it didnt stop raining 5 minutes ago, and it's not past 9pm. i looked at family photos today, and i'm proud to say, i have great genes, and they're not going to die off in me like that cos of some recessive sloth, hormonal and emotional genes.

funny how i can adapt so well to human behaviour but my mind can't wrap itself round certain situations. just can't accept them. i will pray so hard.

ave maria.

physics exp now. yes. goodnight.

2005-06-13T22:12:00.000-07:00

oh! that like TOTALLY makes me feel so GOOD about myself! wow! i'm in ecstasy now, i am. totahlly.

the interesting thing is that pic is actually a nice one ><

i want to curl up in a small ball and. and i dunno. i am DEFINITELY going running today. yeahhh.

i have to lower my expectations and hopes. i am so unable to control my thoughts. i keep thinking that you are the only one who can console me. WRONGWRONGWRONG. i refuse to get my heart broken. so i'll step back, shut up, and read chinese books like a madwoman today. cos ultimately, the ultimate rejection is when nus medicine doesn't accept me. and every FUCKING other rejection means nothing in the grander scheme of things. i think it's worse when it's something so subtle you REALISE it. this kind of realisation, that it was never meant to be, is so startling. and it makes you feel like an uber fool.

and at a time like this, can i be blamed for thinking of someone who has never done this to me? who always says the right thing at the right time?

but as much as i really, really want to talk to you now, i am scared that by raising my expectations too much now, it will all amount to nothing when i really do talk to you. and i will be left even more bereft than before.

i realise i sound so BIMBOTIC and regularly teenageangsted here. who CARES. no one (hopefully) will ever see this.

i'd like to say that i feel a deeper connection; that i feel this positive vibe from you. but i remember too clearly how i pretended to myself that i felt a connection with HIM, when my memory just refused to remember how cut off and distant those last few days were, that they practically didn't exsist. and minor small things in the beginning, where there miiiiight have been something, but i will not know because they were so small i can't remember.

i think its the response you told me he gave that made me go insane again. but such small, tokenistic things, ultimately mean nothing. what means something is how one feels with another person. cos at least with you i know we can be friends no matter what. this website i was reading now makes such perfect sense - a relationship is worth NOTHING if you cannot even be friends. well. at least i hope so.

maybe msn is just a damned physical barrier that i cannot transcend. but surely it also distils what is real? to a certain extent? maybe it's the stars that say no - supposedly yesterday he was supposed to be tired and i was supposed to have this tendancy to turn every conversation into something serious. which is perfectly true (on my side at least, think it was so with him too)

i think him and me, we have no yuan fen.
the fires are dead now. i want to talk to you to comiserate but i don't dare hope so much. so i lie to myself and somehow stay online because you said you'd tell me more about the outing today. but you are not here. and i am AGAIN placing too much expectations on things.

i wish i could empty my mind of everything. but- i just can't.

i will trust the hours and wait. they have not failed me up to now =p
i will pray for peace but i have learnt i cannot pray for endings. i can, but if they are not in God's plan for me, it's more painful to accept that if i'd prayed so hard for them. AND because i'm not sure whether this is it that i don't want to pray for it.

i guess if i dont even care about it enough to pray about it, it isn't?

i will honestly kill myself IF I DONT GO RUNNING TODAY.

life is so complicated. PAH.

i don't really know what i want?

2005-06-13T09:24:00.000-07:00

but i know
i want you to come back and discuss poetry with me.

you have rekindled my love for poetry.

no matter what happens, and although you will never, never see this. (i quite hope no one but me ever sees this blog)

thank you for everything.
i will say this crudely but honestly here.

i don't care if you don't like me in that way, but thank you so much for all the friendship because it meant so much to me. that while that damn guy was bouncing around doing whatever he pleaseds; while my heart was broken you talked to me and healed it. all the non-verbal gestures, all the talking about random stuff just made me feel so much better about everything.

i love how we can discuss poetry and writing cos this just isn't something i can discuss with any random person. and exchanging poems. poetry was just dead for me, but you have opened up a new fount of poetry for me. i love how i can ask you anything about relationships and you are more than happy to talk to me.

i don't know really cos you could be like this to EVERYONE and i wouldn't know AND this falling for just generally nice to everyone people is not a mistake i will make again. but comparing how i connect with all the other guys i know, i can say you are special. and i'm pretty happy just having such a great platonic friend. thank you so so much for everything you have ever done cos it makes me feel so great for some reason. this is SO not the most eloquent way to say something, but i just had to say it somewhere.

i don't think i'm going to be laying down my heart anywhere for quite some time.

but i really wish you'd come back online and talk to me because i just have this innate feeling that right now you can commiserate with me. i wish i wish. but ok, it's 1am, i guess not. i'll wait.

thank you, God, for giving me such a good friend out of the blue. thank you so much.

insane

2005-06-10T04:38:00.000-07:00

i am driving myself insane AND I DONT KNOW WHY.

okay. breathe.
i honestly think i'm falling sick.

i have never slept so much. i sleep, wake, stone on the computer for a while, go back to bed and wake up the next morning.

maybe it's cos of the ten days of talking non-stop.

i am FINE with solitude, but not when there is the POTENTIAL for company. i dunno. i feel odd not talking to people when there are people i should know sitting around. but if i'm on orchard road or at jurong east just walking around alone, watching everything go by - i'm totally fine with that.

these days i feel so prosaic. like. like i cannot write poetry even if i wanted to. i really tried to wake myself out of this unexplained stupor. (because i cannot accept the voice inside my head that says it is that cos yes. i am just falling sick. yes.)

i tried my poprock songs but they were tinny and mechanical. i tried classical which worked for a while. but luck is nacht with me today. technicalities. piss. me. off. i tried READING poetry but even that didn't click with me.

i'm supposed to be running every day.
YES. i will run every day and get gorgeously thin legs. (cos i canNOT survive with anorexia. i could Try but i'd go insane. and I love the endorphins i get from running) but i haven't run for so so so long and i just can't seem to even get out the door.

i have never felt so much like shit and it's really hard to bring yourself to a certain level of physical torture if you ALREADY feel like shit. i think i've talked too much about it. to the extent that i don't want to think about anything anymore. i should sleep tonight, really. because tomorrow is gigantic eli tortures herself with math day.

i slept just now. sleep is not supposed to be tiring like that.
i hate these dreams where i run around trying to solve some problem. and dreaming of trying to socialize is not restful.

i hate it when i try to type something; when i try to get my thoughts out. and either i end up sounding like something i am trying not to or i just cannot get the important part out. because. well. even though no one i know knows about this place, self-censorship is always important to a certain extent. i am tired.

i am just so so so tired.

i need to recharge but i know not how.

god help me.

i guess i'll try to finish the korean romance novel while i'm still in this damned languid state.

[so i run away and hide]

my body is so good at picking up on my emotions it's scary. when i'm angry, supposedly the fire heats my body up and therefore i break out in rashes? when i'm stressed, i become sick?

yeah man, i TOTALLY need this right when i'm stressed.

i should really relax a bit more cos i'm going to die when term 3 starts. maybe when i pray this time, i'll pray for peace in my soul. peace and happiness.

sometimes, no wait. subconciously, all the time. i wonder if it ever was. and what will be, if anything will be. i'm such a sucker for this kind of thing. i want to go all OMG GONNA MUG SO HARD. RUN SO HARD. I'M GONNA BE SO PERFECT AND CHANGE MY LIFE GRIN. but i am just so tired. too tired to even make this promise to myself. tired. maybe tomorrow. what WILL recharge me? only god knows. i need strength from God right now. these past few ten or so weeks have been non-stop action and i'm just so DRAINED. drained. that i dread what is to come.

but it was fun. once i manage to zhen zhuo, once i manage to get most parts of my life under way again. i'll be fine.

ice-skating today was fun. i love talking to these people =)

i guess i
1) won't think about the topic for a while
2) make a timetable to reassure myself
3) promise myself that i'll go running every morning at 6.30 am
4) will watch the movies i want to =)

this makes me a -little- happier.

life is so odd at times.

that all being out, maybe tomorrow i'll be a little more poetic. i really wonder why i shy away from telling myself the truth. maybe it's cos i dont know the truth and i don't want to have to tell myself something now to realise later that it isn't.

THAT'S IT. topic closed. i will languidly study from now on. and relax. let the days flow me by. and pray a lot and be a good girl. and let everything go according to God's will.

Dear God.
I pray for peace, happiness, and strength. And to be a good person, and to have the will to do what is right.
Amen.

it will come.
i will wait.

[i pray that i may find my way]

2005-05-26T01:49:00.000-07:00

Physics
under EVALUATION
strengths
the coil is now a solenoid so the magnetiic flux will change as the magnetic lines will be cut. previously because the turns of wire were horizontal to the wooden base, they were not perpendicular to magnetic field lines.

the magnets and wire are now on top of the wooden ring so that the pull of graviity will not affect the toy too much and also because the wooden ring was resting on the coil so the coil was unable to experience the effect of the magnet enough.

talcum power and aluminium foil to decrease the amount of friction

weaknesses
not enough turns of wiire
magnet not strong enough/ big enough
not enough
under HOW THE GENERATOR WORKS
INDUCES a voltage
need to say the impt things are

2005-05-22T11:15:00.000-07:00

you will let me wallow in misery, no?
you will let me sit here and oh maaaaaaaaaaan

i am tired beyond belief
tired of myself and my idiosyncracies. about forever THINKING ABOUT MYSELF. i know i'm such a selfish bitch. i know when i talk to my friends on msn i am forever talking about myself i am sorry. i both hate and love the walking alone when i am thinking and thinking and thinking. okay, so it makes life clearer. but sometimes....

i guess things you see are not what you always want to see.

i am delusioned. not delusionAL but just. a little too good at pulling wool over my own eyes. paper hearts give paper cuts.

life can be all the clearer to me and nothing changes sometimes.
i dont want this balance to be upset. wait. WHAT balance.
my marks lie. these two terms i have been living on the edge. constantly thinking i would fail my projects, my exams, my debate dreams would fizzle and die. waaait ok so i didnt think that at all until after they did. but oh man. nevermind. i really thought i was over it. the point is. i never did any consistent work?

and now moderation (and lit and english) and my lovely tuition center has saved my life, i really dont know if i can keep these marks up. 60% depends on now and the next one term.

i am hanging over a precipice and i am scrabbling to keep my foothold. can you tell how stressed i am?

i am not reaally outwardly that stressed. as in. i'm perfectly normal? but every time i stop laughing at some inane thing; when i just stop to realise what IS my reality right now, it literally DISEMBOWELS me. with shock and horror etcetc. the reality is:

monday 2am- 7.30am SLEEP.
7.30-8 scramble to lingting's house
8- 1pm math pt
until 5pm - glasses
come home, pack bag.
night-time do as much physics as is humanely possible

tues- in school, finish wep form
and math assignment qn 14
AND debate attendance
then go for debate
night- MATH REPORT?

wed- try to finish gonghan
go to ri for china trip meeting
at night try to finish as much of phys instruction manual as is possible

thurs
come home early, like a mad woman finish math and phys
ESPECIALLY PHYS.
find pretty plastic bag to put stuff in =)

fri
come home early, send math if havent finished (should've)
paaaack
pack room
go running 7 rounds
sleep early
learn lines

=)
=)

can lah yes? yes.

i am

2005-05-16T01:33:00.000-07:00

TIRED AND SLACKING OFF
BOOOOOOOOOOOO.
sigh. thinking.
(too much?)

i was annoyed with myself in english cos i can no longer write poetry
i can no longer think, too, apparently
all i am capable of doing is vegetating here and reading blogs. bad eliiii.

i am SO SICK of our film.AND it is so boring.

(i need someone to spice up my life)

hai chinese there are no words.
sighsigh.

SIGH.
i wiish.

2005-05-10T01:31:00.000-07:00

i am tired, pissed, and insecure

buries head in hands
perhaps, perhaps, things would be BETTER if i could sleep right now.

perhaps not.

i however, will NEVAH KNOW.
cos. i have to finish my lit.

im such a bloody fucking revengeful SCREWEDUP BITCH.
i want grapes. grapes make me happy.

the reason why i have been so random and bimbotic lately is
i am so tired.

i am just so so tired.

of everything?

i'm such a fucking loser it isnt funny.
(how many times have i said that already?)

sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

very unbimbotically,
1) it sucks when you cant talk to someone. yeah
2) it sucks feeling fat and stupid
3) i am fat. and stupid.
4) sleep is. so. underrated.

sleep will make me happy for now but is only a short term solution. i will make myself MUCH happier by finishing the lit crap typingout by 5. then SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP.

then wake up, do random math homework, then think of stuff for physics pt.

so much things i cannot say anywhere, everywhere.

i hate feeling repressed, can you tell? sighhh
lfdghvrtkfj

but all will be well. i will pray.

trying
to find my way

omg eli why so fucking prosaic.
i need to stop using the f word. i was TRULY weaned off it.

okay. i know
i hate
1) conflicting emotions
2) feeling annoyed
3) feeling inadequate
4) feeling sleepy
5) feeling fat

lit. now.
sighhhhhhh.
yeahhh.
i will pray. all will be well.
i hope. i know. prayer. will work.
i will have faith.

2005-04-30T10:50:00.000-07:00

i am so so so so stoned
there is really nothing.

there is nothing in me
i am falling back to last year so fast. or have i fallen.

Lord, I pray to you with all my heart to give me back my drive. Last night I was CONVINCED that sleeping would make me more refreshed the next day; that the next day i would miraculously and magically become all DRIVEN~

it doesnt work that way
i work best when stoned, apparently

or rather

things i need to work
1. music
2. words to read. as in. leisurely words? blogs music reviews just SOMETHING TO KEEP ME ALIVE AND GOING
3. some catalyst food
4. some list/ inspiring thingg somewhere e.g blog to inspire me

OKAY.
i need to set myself in a time and place or i will wander off the mark/ collapse from exhaustion with still nowhere to go cos i have not even set my goal.

i keep putting off even MAKING A GOAL.omg what is wrong with me.
yes i will do it right now. i am SUCH a tortured soul these few days hm wonder why OK I'M STALLING

yes
um

today is the 1st of May. it is a sunday.
it is also 2am in the morning. my midyears are on TUESDAY the 3rd of may. monday is a gorgeous mugfest! going to be.
harharhar

i am so. good at making myself miserable.
anyway, i hereby swear that i will not sleep until i have finished typing my chem notes. i kid you not.

there will be no respite none at all until chem notes are done. WHEREUPON i will hurriedly email mr chua my ss pt. actually on second thoughts right now would be a really good idea

no wait. at 6am on a sunday morning is MUCH BETTER than 2am yes? yes. cos it looks like i stayed up late doing it. when i was just really busy and therefore didnt senddddd

i feeel stressed
i just want ... to sound like myself

but. i dont know these days i just dont sound like myself anynmore. i try so hard to sound like myself; i consciously push myself away from sounding like others.

speaking of obsessions. debate. sighsobwail.

okay. 2- 6 am chem notes
6am- send ss pt to mr chua.
6.30- 2pm sleep

2pm- 6pm bio notes

i dont know why i feel so depressed. its seriously like everything is closing in on me. its like there is no hope.
i recognise this feeling. its like when i run and i feel there is no point in running faster cos everyone's just gonna overtake me in the end.

it's the defeatist thing that means all the world. it's the reason why i can never ever join track. maybe i need to stop thinking track. maybe i'll think of my greatest loved sport- badminton. of being in the dark dank clementi hall, smashing and lobbing and sidehitting. playing with those jiejies from dunno what jc. being. so alive.

i guess i was not the best at badminton. i couldnt tell cos there was really noone my age to compare with. but playing with those scary little kids AND the jc jiejies was just. so exhilerating. it was like WOW I CAN DO THIS.

half of what i did in badminton is not something i can humanly believe in. it's like i was flying by flapping my hands. and i carried on beyond exhaustion. for two solid hours. then we did sprints. if ever by some luckychance i join cross country, my stamina was built up by then.

i have such happy memories of badminton.

then again. all memories are happy if you let it be. selective memories.

i will think of flying like birds as i attempt my chem notes. i guess there are parallels. in the sense that. i am uncharacteristically good at chem cos i never expected to be? it's like, i'm good compared to myself. i'll just try and see how far i can go.

wow, how encouraging.
and i'll pray reallyreally hard for God's grace.

i am screwing my life up, i do not regret today's exam mass. i honestly need all the divine intervention i can get. or at the very least, grace and blessing.

and i give my word that i will try my utmost hardest. it starts right now.

pray for us sinners, now until the hour of our death.

amen.

grazi.

do not care about the rest. your best, is enough.

2005-04-28T05:24:00.000-07:00

will study like anything

i am happier than i have been about the whole issue for a long time

thank you, God. my prayers have been answered.

i have peace in my heart.

now just to bring my true dream to fruition. this one i know i can do. this boat, i will not miss. the sides will not slip from my fingers, this time i will be able to climb the sides after righting the boat.

and i will sail into the horizon, flying my flag.
and in the clouds will be written my thankyou to everyone.

selfishness really, really taints.
it taints your actions.

"if you feel like going for the finals, go for it"
i have found what will make me the happiest. i really thought that if i went i would cry and cry buckets of tears for my loss but now - though to some extent it hurts that i didnt fulfil my dream of speaking in the finals nor get ranked like i dreamt of so long ago since what sec 2?

anticipation, as my chinese essays have shown, get one nowhere.
i hope tmr will be fun =)

CONGRATS HUIYI though you'll never see this
we've gone through so much since the ny days huiyi!

i am truly happy for you =)

2005-04-27T06:18:00.000-07:00

right now everything sucks so much
but yes
i must.

and i have people who will support me all the way.
well um my family! and people who intend to do completely diff things and therefore can really be neutral.

the moment i finish this i will
1. 9.40- 10.40 chinese compo
2. 10.50- 11.50 ENGLISH COMPHRE
3. 11.50- 12.50 phys tys on the magnetic effect

yes, i can do this.

sobwailhai.
life. is bad.
i feel like a fool. i feel like everyone everyone thinks i am a blistering fool. i need MUSIC.

thereisnothingforit
God, help me, I pray.

2005-04-25T15:16:00.000-07:00

why i am even doing this is q. questionable.

anyway.
MUST FINISH QINGJING ZUOWEN 2 IN SCHOOL TODAY! AND HAND UP!

like 100% must.
hmmm i wannna ponnnnnnnnnnnnn
sigh.

-
is it just me?
how oddly true something said as a passingremark is actually eerily true.
that. is. like. cool.

cool cool but not cool cool.
i dont liiike it.
this means so much to me now in context of everything.
hai.

praypraypray.

2005-04-24T13:28:00.000-07:00

i am squeezing orange juice in stasis-
land. pare the peel and send it in an
arcing throw.

in one tragic throw i discard the entire orange peel then
fruitlessly try to retrive it
my hands are awash with acidic, unfriendly juice

wtf is it with me and orange juice at 4.30 in the morning? i havent drunk orange juice for a long time either. i can only conclude that i am DEPRAVED early in the morning.

or just really, really depressed.

HAI.
okay eois are keeling me. KILLING me too, for that matter.

I WANT TO PON TODAY but frankly i just dont wanna miss bio. haiii. and yeah, i'd better help out with the juniors today. funfun i like helping them out.

qingjing zuowen drove me mad. seriously if i could pon today? it would be such a happy happy day. it would solve all my problems.like
1. not being able to print lit essay
2. having to cut lit essay down from the skeleton of 511 words to well the actual ESSAY of 250 words
3. not being able to print lovely bio genomic prac flow chart

and i would be able to
1. FINISH MY ZUOWENS
2. SLEEP A LOT

um. i guess these two are very mutually exclusive. i'd probably sleep til 2pm then wake up grumpy, grump over zuowens, not finish them, and basically be vvv screwedup. okay. breathe.

now i will
1) fix lit essay and email to self
2) fix stupid eng scrapbook thing on communication
3) attempt more qingjing zuowen til i want to die

in school i will
1) do english compre
2) do more qingjing zuowen.

sobsobsob.

tonight i will somehow finish
1) at least qingjing zuowen 2
2) just the assignments for differentiation. heck with self-practice and hope all the differentiation work i did last december during tuition is somewhere in the back of my brain. harhar.

oh i forgot. tomorrow: cry for maths. silently.

pray a lot. for dep. haiii. okok. work. now.

2005-04-19T08:59:00.000-07:00

zonedly angry

in my stupor i dream of ripping my shredded fingers apart, of so many forms of self-torture but i don't dare to do so many others.

i dream of running, no, sprinting, against the wind, against, literally, all odds. when my body is so tired and my legs are just pumping on.

i dream of being with.
and of.
but.
okay, merely smoke rings.

and this? the fire, i guess.
i shall sleep early today- 12mn!

timetable for tmr:
morning wake up: sleep
recess: film
after sch: go to rj to watch y14's, DO ZUOWEN ONE. diedie must finish that zuowen before i come home.
come home:
1) run my ass off, my heart out, my soul to peace
2) get so much coffee i get so high everything is BLOCKED OUT.
3) play Handel's messiah or something
4) do my part of the rs report

timetable for TODAY
1) blog
2) email rs grp about the report and who does which part
3) packbag
4) sleeeeep.

this is reely shit.
hahaha
okay nevermind.

i am scraping everything off my with my fingernail stubs.
i hurt.

feeling da' love right now, i am.

2am on the day i was supposed to find love, harhar, and damn sleepy

2005-04-18T10:25:00.000-07:00

i dont know what i feel anymore.

it used to be so clear-cut. it was like, now i am angry, now i am jealous. now i will hide in this stark corner alone behind a curtain and cry cos you got something i wanted oh angst angst angst. pron AH-ANg-ST. but NOW. its ... mixed up.

now.

am i soul searching more than before?

i think what i said today; every word was true when i said it. to a certain extent.
i think i should be grateful for the friendships i have. cos some of them are just so precious.

i also wish and sigh...

it will be solved right? tell me it will be.

oscilliating between HOW LONG MORE and i want this really.

"hearing that, they were cut to the heart"

but perhaps i am like the selfish millionare in the hcl textbook. i am not cut to the heart out of GUILT for not believing but becos of what i think is and might be. AND I DONT WANT IT TO BE THAT WAY.

apparently tomorrow i am supposed to find love. according to my horoscopes.

well. I AM OVERJOYED DUH. but will it happen no idea it would be great i guess.

in this cold world anyone could use a little love.

i am so sorry for being such a selfish idiot, everyone i ever knew.

today, laughing and everything. they WILL be my memories of next time. they will be HAPPY MEMORIES. i will not write any more bittersweet poems (comments on them by the poemforum people were "uh, thanks for sharing", guess am not cut out to be poet oh well) on today's happy memories.

maybe the reason is that one should never dream about utopia. cos nothing ever IS utopia and something that was your utopia when masked under utopianess may actually not be.

i will.

pray, i guess. for guidance.

tired.

i just want to be a better person
(ok THEN it follows people will respect me etccccccccccccccc)
and i might be happier?

moodswinging crazily yesterday.
today is gonna be bad too.

so much for the love i am going to find.
more sleepy and sad than jaded.

tues: during lesson time: MATHS WS
during recess/ lunch: EDIT FILM
after sch/ during rs: EDIT
go home: RUN
after shower: PHILO ESSAY
PHYS THINGY
RSSSSS REPORT

WED- during lesson CHINESE ciyu writings
during y14's- zuowen
after: rs filming

thurs: RS EDITING WHOLE DAY LONG
RS REPORT

friday: prob rushing more reports and editing ><

todo on friday:
1. fix physics like MAJORLY
2. fix hcl ciyus

am quite sure there will be more

irrevocably tired. goodnight. hai.

me now

2005-04-17T01:25:00.001-07:00

haiiiiiiiii

that adequately describes a lot of things in my life now

i am strangely fulfilled yet. hai.

a lot of things i wish for dont always come true. perhaps i am fantasizing too much. it really isn't much. ok, so getting into dep might be.

after semis i feel so inadequate. but sort of - actually
hai

i want to start running today again
rununrunrrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrun it out

sweat will out

who can say
where the day goes
only time

well i have sofar
1. fixed bio to some extent
2. fixed chem advert as much as possible currently

freakin nebulous

my jaw hurts. something tells me inside i hurt. for what? for dreams i want so badly and which i want so badly to come true but i fear that they dont. will they? DEAR LORD, I AM PRAYING SO HARD TO YOU.

next:
1. phys ammeter evaluation and diagram
2. phys learning journey reflections
3. philo journal
4. rs report
5. qingjing zuo wen (or i will NEVER do it)

sigh

i hurt

yeahyeah so starving african children/ people who have just lost competitions/ poor people hurt more?

but right now i can see no light at the end of the tunnel
nothing is fixed

but i move further away from it
with each passing minute
and that, is truly being torn away from it.

i should not think today.
my thoughts do not.

great now time after time is playing?
i will throw my chewing gum away and do my physics and later philo and later chinese.

thrown up in circles
confusion is nothing new

i thought semis was fun though =) subway YUM and that quiet spot outside lido = a very very happy me. and doing maths and chinese productively. it was so ironic; the quietest, most isolated spot which was high up yet in a hole in one of the busiest parts of town. and all these streams of secondary school and jc people walking in and out of lido.

then talking to lifeng and huiyi. and ok, at least we know SOME people now.

making plans with michelleeee to mug continuously before and after finals SO I WILL BE WATCHING FINALS!

actually i dont know? is there a point?
i must do well and is it worth watching the finals at the expense of my eoi's? i really think not.

ok if i have been EXCEEDINGLY AND SURPRISINGLY productive i will.

but seeing how rs, chem pt etc is eroding my life (in this case, mad mugging HELLO TWO WEEKS BEFORE EOIS FLDGHLDGHLFGHJEFH) away from me?

i don't think so.
okay fine that's why i used the word SURPRISINGLY.

chewing gum dulls the brain and makes you unproductive and FEEL unproductive.

maybe i just need to pee.

i need to excise myself of everything

until it is just me, running, studying, laughing, music.

i love debates but for now? right now i think the emotional highs and lows are enough for me. i will step back from debate a while. train the juniors and all.

guess that means no finals for me. i will sit outside lido and mug my life upside down.

solitude is so much more appealing these days? except for... some exceptions =p

gringrin. just thinking about them makes me grin.

2005-04-17T01:25:00.000-07:00

chem advertisement

nandita's expt
completely notdone
- need silver coin as electrode
- do one time using battery, the other time not using battery
- when using batt, should see bubbling at silver electrode and copperthing should increase in weight (weighing scale)

wanling's expt
done
- there is one clip of eli putting aluminum electrodes in nacl
notdone
- need to film how the nacl was made
- need to film the results
- need to film solid nacl without water

eli's expt
done
- decolorization
notdone
- would be good to show results of litmus paper test

manyun's expt
completely done.

2005-04-11T10:44:00.000-07:00

i close my eyes to wanton hope

i mean.
hope is good. but i am so so so so scared it will come to naught.

i am so tired.
i have to lift my hands to type this. and it has barely started.
tonight (day)
i will finish at least typing out my chem. so i can fix it tomorrow.
say i finish at 2.30. sleep until 8.30
run and shower til 9am
breakfast and jianbao and chinesebooks til 10am
turn comp. on, fix chem, send off. til 11am (MUST PERFECT CHEM)
11-1 at least type out phys experiment draft
1-2 crap out science center phys reflections
2-3 crap out blood bank reflections
3-4 bio talk at rj reflections (waiiit gotta do this or no?)/ chem faraday reflections/ shortwriteup on the pufferfish talk
4-6 FIX MATH (assignments and differentiation stuff)
6-7 FIX CHEM - worksheets
at night- study lotsa bio! fix all my genetics, meiosis, mitosis stuff

so i gotta rmb
1. tonight type chem draft MUST finish all components okay doesnt matter how bad it is. just type continously.
2. set alarm for 8.30am
3. get underwear, socks etc ready
4. phone alarm rings, get up and start running
5. while eat breakfast, do jianbao
6. then come on the comp to polish chem experiment

I CAN REMEMBER THIS.
(cos i really. AM. tired)

what is winning or losing? how many friends have i gained out of this that i can say the friends were worthwhile? but in the end. no matter what the memories. we tried and for those instants and for our peak and though we crashed (or did we crash or were the judges screwed i know not) it doesn't matter.

thank you.
thank you so so much. i will always remember our team, our club. my batch for truly always being there.
our seniors for all the help they gave i really dont know where we would be without their training.
our juniors. i love our juniors.

i am truly detached now. with each round that i do not take part in i get further and further away. would i give anything to be in the midst of this now?

the true, honest answer is.

no.

this is God's Will. perhaps the rest of the schools can manage it, i have no idea. these ARE my o level marks spread out over the year. this IS my busiest period. i know i would have extensions if we had broken.

and somewhere underneath something i am crying for not being there but as more people get kicked out and they accept their fate i dunno. i just see that perhaps i should count my blessings. and stop running away. when i run i really run.

i am connected by so tenuous a string. my desire to wipe out from memory has been a bit too strong. the disinfectant has leached into my wantsneedsfears. perhaps this is right and it is the way. ireally sound more emo than i should. its cos when i say it dont hurt me THAT hurts me. that it doesnt hurt me. but really i care more about marks and chem performance task right now. that omgomgomg cannot finish.

i have half an hour for chem.
will utilise it =)

thank you God for finally allowing me to realise what lies ahead of me.
I pray that I may be able to stick to my timetable above.
And I pray not only that my studies go well but that I GET INTO DEP ADVANCED.

i dont know what will happen if no.
wont think about it.
chem.
rifohjbkjm

SS PERF TASK draft draft

2005-04-04T20:34:00.000-07:00

title: On the religious persecution of Montagnard Christians in Vietnam
(from the perspective of the NGO Human Rights Watch)

preamble
what is hiding in the backyard. economic status can be how good or how bad, but the basic human rights are being contravened

what are montagnard christians: indigdenuous minority christians.

the idea of a democracy
- gov for the people, by the people
- minority rights, majority rules

the vietnamese, especially the long-oppressed montagnard christians increasingly want to be free of the present one-party dictatorship and to have a democratic government in it's place.

due to greater infiltration of media in --> people more aware of what goes on in other countries that are democratic and they can evaluate their situation. when people know that they are not getting what they deserve, there are uprisings. not wrong to want to have a democracy.

globalization has resulted in greater awareness amongst the people; it has planted the seed of democracy in their minds. and esp when we see what their gov is doing to them, we need to press on.

process of globalization
-
effects of globalization
evaluation

nothing is a panacea. look beyond the current pitfalls to the long term future.
solutions to problems

www.hrw.org

i is a very bad procrastinator

2005-04-04T08:27:00.000-07:00

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

okay breathe

1. email mr law about rs problem and confirm what is to go in file and due dates (vvvvv important)
2. email chem email about what we HAVE to include so we dont miss anything out
3. read through humanrights website to find out about specifically vietnam
4. attempt to do some more circular measure crap
5. tidy desk
6. sign ORA form

let us HOPE i can finish all this. arrgh.

i cut my hair today. and i am slowly forgetting the insanity of the past few days. like my horoscope says, i will sweep out the old to make room for the new. they were but paper hearts but muchmuch more tangible than before. but definitely not meant to be. like the guy in turn left turn right said - you can meet a person a thousand times and not feel anything for them and that is not destiny. meanwhile i really am not that hormonal and mostof the time my thoughts are like SOB I DUNNO HOW TO DO MATHS.

this one really is a shame, but something that never really mattered can be easily put behind one with the flick of the hand. grin.

2005-04-02T00:04:00.000-08:00

quickly
i will not be a failure
sucess comes from failure
put the past behind you, learn from it, accept it in your heart, and move on =)

to do
1. ss pt
2. chem pt
3. read chinese books in preperation for chinese yilunwen test
4. STUDY FOR MATH. LIKE. A. LOT
5. email mr law about our rs predicament

okay. it isnt THAT bad.

today i will
1. read ss pt paper properly
2. call manyun to discuss?
3. FIND experiment for chem pt
4. read chinese books.
5. practice for math!
6. email mr law.

i can do this =)

(hai)
words are inadequate at times. perhaps i am long past the stage where i need words. i just need solitude. and this wont happen this weekend. i am exhausted. i am tired.
sigh.

SLEEPY.

2005-03-29T06:38:00.000-08:00

1. type as much as humanely possible tonight (dep app)

tmr morning
1. wake up and type more! (dep app)
2. sign edusave form

tmr morning in school
1. sleep
2. do math

tmr during recess
1. discuss chem pt!!!

tmr after school
1. run (7 rounds)
2. lunch
3. meet dana & gang at thefoyer
4. hand them over to team2
5. go off to comp lab to type cases with jingnicdiane
6. photocopy dep form for own ref somewhere along the way

when return home
1. DO PERSONAL STATEMENT.
2. brush up on rebuttal sheet

reallyreally heckcare rs this week. will do it friday night i swear. ok friday night is gorging night ok. at nydc. i dont care. saturday/ sunday then.

on thursday after dry run i will madly brush up rebuttal sheet
and do random homework(???)
just madly brush up. i'll need the time.
and sleep early =)

God please help me get through this week unscathed.
thank you for this glorious day.
walking through borders with so much free time. a clockwork orange was fantastic. listening to music. i'm such a sucker for orange lights and metal and glass and borders is full of that. and BOOKS.

galumtious, i say clockwork orangely.

everything willwork out =))
goodnight. 11pm only! glorious day.

SUPAHWOMAN.

2005-03-23T07:01:00.000-08:00

11-12am REBUTTAL SHEET FOR JGS
12-1 FIX DEP APPLICATION caseset
1-2 email jtoh list of stuff i have done
2- 6 sleep
6am- 4.30 pm discuss motion in sch cum brief students for selling tissuepacks cum learn italian
5-7.30 go church for maundy thursday
7.30 - 9.30 WRITE PERSONAL STATEMENT
9.30 onwards get started on ss performance task

every single minute of the day - cry and put my head down somewhere
(and wish that someone would comfort me.)

i'm really stressed right now.
of course i slept the whole afternoon away as usual.
oh Lord. I'm such a FIG. (f-ing pig)

i'm also reallyselfish
i DON'T KNOW.
Lord, help me. Please.

2005-03-22T20:59:00.000-08:00

flights of fantasies

also, i am unable to START.

if i dont get into dep i shall die

2005-03-22T20:49:00.000-08:00

i shall. really.

so much at stake hanging on three pages and a couple of personal and reference statements.

each time i have been crushed before this i have unfolded myself and ok, you can see the crinkle lines but i'm still fine, no?

if this time...
i dont want to think about it.

for something i want so much, i really should be doing it with all my heart and soul.

damn, WHY am i so thirdspeakerish. WHY. i will depend on me to pull me through. come, I CAN DO THIS.

so much emotions going into this rollercoaster debate thing; i am not OBSSESSED with it, it is NATURAL to want this. i think its very natural to want it. it's very natural to want it so much.

the taste of fear is never pleasant.

i shall squeeze my eyes shut at everything bombarding me. i KNOW the chances are so slim. i KNOW. what to do, though? i will try. i will give it my best shot. (and i'll shoot so hard they won't know what hit them) no of course not. i will be calm.

actually you wouldn't know it but i am perfectly calmly typing this.

i just want myself to write somewhere; to tangibilyfy it: i am not giving up debate when i get to jc. and no one, no circumstance, is going to change that.

i was on the train and i told my: i'm not giving this up, i love it too much.

(the same goes for my dream. EVERYONE laughs at me for it. i don't care. going to take up sewing. and no, my life's dream is not being a tailor. nevahmind)

-
-grin-
iwishprayhope
hope
hope

that is one reason, yes.
Please, Lord. Happiness is all I ask for. I want this and this. Please, Lord? I will be such a good girl. Amen.
-

in the meantime all my school performance tasks wilt and die.

LEARNING ITALIAN! tis great.

OH THANK YOU GOD FOR THIS MOST AMAZING DAY.
i dont mind just subsisting on laughter, thiness, goodprogressofperformancetasks until my lucky day where i get into dep (cos my luck fluctuates madly) and perhaps -

we'll see =)
joy to the world, the lord is come!

2005-03-22T07:07:00.000-08:00

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I'M LAUGHING MY ASS OFF
OMGWTFLOL

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

i shall do my application now and stop laughing.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
certain kinds of funniness are borne out of repression and ...i dunno. meanwhile. got. to . stay. calm. while. talking. to. person.

HAHAHAHAAHA

dont spillthebeans rocktheboat
MUST clean up app tonight then sleep =)

TO DO sun 20th

2005-03-19T19:10:00.000-08:00

and i cant take it so i run away and hide

1) email chere about dep thing
2) DO dep app.
FINISH BULK today. come on, SHOULDN'T take more than one hour right.
3) ~~cry myself to sleep/cry myself awake (depends)~~ oh yeah, do that jianbao
4) dont forget to write lots of angsty poetry, eli!

i'm stressed both ways
(ok, what ways?)

i need to start writing poetry again no matter how crappy it is. cause i know that inside me there is something that sometimes reawakens. is it jealousy of the whole world? is it my repressed competitiveness?

i think it's the girl who wants to shout f-words from the roof.

school and just mixing with people is mental abuse, i swear. OKAY I'VE BEEN SPENDING TOO MUCH TIME IN SOLITUDE. email. chere. now. of course
-salute-

(there's also this quiet side which wanders through the library, which MEANDERS home, thinking and thinking. i never figured out if my angstpain and sometimes crying and my violent punches of the air while running were me, or throwbacks from my fastfading dramatic self. i'm being subdued but at the same time i'm rebelling. its in my BLOOD to be contrary. it's a bit overdone, fiine. but i take a certain amount of pride in taking too much pride.

ok sometimes i also wonder wtf is wrong with me. no actually i wonder that 24/7.

there are two sides to me
one is the FUCK YOU ALL SHOUTING FROM ROOFTOPS I'M GONNA KICK ALL YOUR ASSES OMGOMG I HATE THE WORLD SO MUCH F HER F DIFFERENTHER F DIFFFERNTPERSON!
two is the OMG. why am i such a CREEPYCRAWLY low-down FIG of a human being. why am i such a HORRIBLE person. everyone must hate me as indeed -insert event here- has shown! oh i just want to DIEEEEEEEEEEEE.

one sort of kicks in at that stage in 2.
sigh.

(why can't my mind be occupied thinking of more pleasant things? count your blessings, you fool)

at the end of the day, i am well aware that. right actually i'm not exactly aware of anything.

attheendoftheday, lovely things in life
1) RUNNING. ENDORPHINS.
2) DEBATE AS IT USED TO BE before i got jaded. dammit. (that feeling of being on the floor. hitting points, hitting rebuttals, seeing people listen and respond. dammit aren't we all attention seekers at heart? i dont want to quit it, i really don't. but i can't shouzhudaitu and hope that the magic will come back into it. cos really it never left. its a pschyological state of mind that anyone gets when they meet a cul-de-sec from say 2/3 the way of? next road, i guess. as i say this i dont feel like facing anyone when term starts, not even my cca people. i just feel like i'm such a shit debater. i want to just train and debate in abandon where it's ok to make mistakes rather than have months (between round 1 on jan 26th and now, march 20th, i have had 2 debates. one, round 2, and two the screwedup exhib for our juniors. bravossimo)it just hurts watching people having parties in the house at the end of that cul-de-sac. on the rooftop, too. and i'm just. sitting there by the roadside or something. alone. )

nevermind

i'm not addicted to it in a bad way, i'm not obsessed with it.
it's just something i really love doing cos i dunno, it's in my nature.
it never feels good to lose anything, it never feels good to be total shit in the eyes of completely everyone.

i feel like i'm drawing pity out of a well. an endless supply of pity that really means nothing. nothing at all.

cos everyone has their own little happy secure lives. i'm practically reducing myself to beggar state.

the reason i write so much about it is... maybe cos it's such a large part of my life. as in. it took up a large part of my life. i was swept up in the whirlwind exactly two years ago. it spat me out for a while onto the ground and... and i was a too tired and b i couldn't get in anyway.

now i might not even get my last.

which makes me determined that it will not be my last. well hm the lasttime that i mightnot get will not be the lasttimethatididntget cos i'll continue it in jc.

so i should really cut the crap and do my dep application now.

3) love
from all quarters. my life is like MERCURIAL. largely family. who love me no matter what, and friends, when i'm not getting pissed off by them or pissing them off. lol. and my thinking about it.

4) BOOKS. they attract me like a fly to mouldy bread. (BAD ANALOGY. anyway. haha)
i'll just sit there for hours on end reading about everything and anything. i dont mind slong as they're BOOKS.

books read at jurong east yesterday:
-escaping film school!
-uh, Bridget Jones Diary: The edge of reason
-changing planes by Ursula Le Guin
- The handbook of electrochemistry
- The use of PED in electrolysis somethingsomething
- Electromagnetic something
- a lovely science journal (now have franticallycopiedout links to a thousand science sites. am a sucker for surfing sites too)
- whole lot of current affairs mags
- whole lot of film magazines

i REALLY wanted to read the HUGE book about chem applications in daily life. but the staff took it away when the library closed. well OKAY this sounds stupid well was in the cafe which is open for halfhour more after library closes.

i am GOING BACK for morreeee
entire biology section, HERE ELI COMES.

frankly, in science, i really dont enjoy electricity and plants. and birds and polar bears.

i think i'm biased cos had particularly bad experience with science in primary school. i dont mind everything else, really!

but by GOODNESS. electricity is DEAD BORING. and making motors just doesnt turn me on, if you know what i mean.
THIS SOUNDS DAMN BAD. thank the lord i HAVE no visitors, having told NO ONE about this place. mwahahaha. well. so far. WILL NOT SUCCUMB. WILL NOT SUCCUMB.

5) being happy
this is actually VEH important. (well duh)
(i feel like saying DURRRRRR! aka bridget jones. BUT NO. RESTRAINT. hahaha)

(things that make me happy: being happy. oh arent i brilliant)
being in the library with its glass walls and open spaces. i once harbored thoughts of being an architect cos i loved drawing plans. but gaveup cos i couldn't draw exteriors. (also, drew too many plans. which were. exactly the same) still. beautiful buildings literally draw me to them.

drinking mocha ice-blended coffee.

laughing so so so so so madly.

sitting on my bed trying to do homework and feeling so peaceful

sitting at my desk with math spread round, radiomusic plugged into my ears. its sort of symbiotic i'd bet. so it's sitting there plugged into an electric current and i feel so WHOLE. like i'm part of a CIRCLE. literally what.

writing poetry and beig utterly, utterly catharsized

listening to good music that just resonates within me. tune, lyrics, all.

complete solitude, thinking. being able to think.

6) exuberent joy at a sucess. this i havent felt for such a long time it hurts.

7)telling someone your sorrows and have them EMPATHISE and give pithy and encouraging comments.

this. is great. really. no words to describe my gratitude at times.

8) poetry
reading it. rush of emotions sometimes, salve for something that hits so close.

9) DRAMA.
i must be superbly inarticulate for i have NO words to describe the pain and joy. rehearsing overoveroverover again and being on stage. even if i did sortof get smallish parts; even if the rehearsals were so emotionallydraining and insecurish. everything always dissapated when it was the actual day; actually just even two weeks before. i remember very clearly my last curtaincall. okay. chv. second last. curtaincalling with daph on my right. i never wanted to cry so much. best moment ever. i remember choral nite, being the mother oh HAHA.

damn i miss doing productions so so so much.
the euphoria afterward. is. unimaginable.
okay but i'm just barely okay at acting. so. sigh =(

who cares, i have the license to like it anyway.

10) badminton
last but SO not least. i have not given it up in my heart. (this is the attitude i gotta adopt towards debate!) okay, i wasn't dealt a sore defeat or anything, i never had a badminton comp in my entire life, only hm one in primary school where i crashed out really fast. well i'd just STARTED playing, so. haha.

i mean the training.
i miss all of them. i'll type it here for posterity's sake. mrwong and how scary he was. chris! who was p5 then (i was sec 3 when i stopped the training) who always got lumped to play with me cos the rest had special training for their school competitions! the really good player thinkk her name starts with y. shunying or shiying or someething like that. who was WHOA scary and only p6. oh the shame. haha. Joanna! she was really nice. the cute siblings, brandon and lisabelle. brandon is SO FREAKING KE AI. playing in the cc. playing in the clementi sports hall. doing the KILLING footwork until i wanted to die but it felt so good stretching myself like that. playing with the bigsisterly people, and playing then in a way i never thought i could do. i'm thinking back and OMG it was like FLYING. darting from side to side in footwork. wow. i love it so much.

I WANT BADMINTON SO BADLY. proper training. damn. gotta get into it in jc!
(absence really makes the heart grow fonder, no? i remember being veryvery tired during the training. and also a tadd inadequate cos they were all PRIMARY school kids. but mrwong was a fantastic coach. AND uncledavid how could i have forgotten. and the woman. what was her NAME. cheryl? sarah? can't rmb.

i love badminton. it's the most stressreleasing. of course its really easy for me to say that NOW cos i do remember being really stressed at the time. trying to hit the shuttlecock especially during mass footwork drills thing. i want to subject myself to being utterly tired after each turn again.

ok, if i want to be masochistic running is enough.
though badminton is EXHILERATING.

what is it with me and excitement? debate, drama, badminton. i'm such a SUCKER for excitement. and sports where i'm inadequate. but i am better at these things than at other things.

MY DRIVE IS BACK.
gotta get into debate
raffles players,
track
and badminton in jc

i predict my slow and certain demise. from slowly wearing off in exhaustion til one day i am nothing. but a happy, fulfiled, thin, confident nothing.

oh AND i must join alchemy club.
what exactly DO they do there.

EMAIL CHERE YOU FOOL.
am i putting it off? no. just wanna sort out my feelings is all. right. now. yes.

2005-03-19T11:16:00.000-08:00

my eyelids are closing this is so freaking cool. anyway
i am going to be totallyyy honest heere (god eli you just have to subconsciously sponge yes?)
anyway yes

i am. very. annoyed. with. debate.
but i am also too tired to think.
therefore, goodnight.

(i'm going to cry and pray later. cry not tears cry but cry out loud for help.)

WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.
WHY JUST WHY
LDFKGFGH

better get homework done i guess. tmr.

sigh.

hmm.

2005-03-19T10:19:00.000-08:00

that was an... ASIDE. parts of something i didn't have to do anymore and was happy about it. therefore, past.

i HAVE been happy these days. it's sort of an odd happy. i need to talk to people more and talktalktalk and gu1 fu4 myself as they say. I have learnt that the more you talk to people the less you can talk to yourself, and the more you talk to yourself the less you can talk to others. i have been a shitty person today. too much solitude feels good but we all know it's just an easy way out. today, at the library, everything was so clean and white and glass and sunlight and quietish and good. the books just lying there.

i'm addicted to books and knowledge. maybe book titles. cos you let me browse titles and i'll come up for air with ARMFULS. okay i really shouldn't have sat on the floor in the reference section. but too many books. i take on too much all the time i tell you.

i tell you, i should NOT be given money. seriously. give me ten bucks and let me hae free reign and i go WILD. it was HEAVEN in popular just now. i walked in, read selfhelp books i WANTED so much to buy it was 4.90 okay i could definitely have afforded it, then choose the PRETTIEST limegreen file, a book to write random stuff (okay fine poetry damn got to write neatly in it) which says SCREAM CITY omg it is so so pretty, and a DESTRESS YOUR STRESS a4 pad. i. am. such. a. sucker. for . motivational stuff. i feed off relief. when i'm stressed from one quarter i'll run to another quarter to soothe myself and try to forget. that's what i've been doing and that's what i did today. AND i had threebucks left over at the end =)

i was SO HAPPY paying for my own stuff. crinkled and crushed plastic bag noisily all the way into the library, oop. everyone looked quite pissed. haha.

i've done it again. i'm consciously writing for an audience. i subconsciously wanted that back and i thought of what to say as i was out, as i used to do. and yeah i typed it and do i feel better of myself? not right now, but ok, it's whaat, 2am. when do i feel rejuvenated and joyful at 2am? when i finish a HUGE project like FINALLY! and well just been slacking round reading about motors. which. stresses me out. so.

had a good talk with some people these days.
some problems with other matters which really sucks.
and sometimes i wonder who is WRONG? who is RIGHT? i catch myself and go all mature with oh IT'S NO ONE'S FAULT, WE'RE ALL TO BLAME. i'm my own check and balance? harhar. my own destruction bomb, more like.

least my horoscope said something about that. if it said YOU'LL BE GREAT GETTING ALONG WITH PEOPLE TODAY then okay, perhaps HUGE personal flaw. there's something about knowing not that it was PREORDAINED but certain amount of INFLUENCE on you. here the entire philo thing of free will and determinism comes up. actually, i dont know. i think it is a character flaw of mine in the first place. i think that, i would have acted like that most likely anyway. i just like it cos it RESONATES with me. it's like a listening ear all written out for me. its like it went into me, saw what was wrong, came out, told me what i should've done, and - i felt like i TOLD it how suckily i handled stuff today. there was kinda a sense of OH NO WONDER it turned out like that. which is maybe. i may not have reacted so violently? i dont know.

i want to UNSHACKLE myself from sounding like others
in other ways than just, um CAPITALISING. but it makes me sound like me in great emphasis or something.

i never want to sound like THAAAT. my worst nightmare. (no not being in great emphasis.)

am i running away?
did i first cling too much then run away too hard and fast?

i think that i take too much revenge. if i cant exact real revenge i can feel hatred very strongly inside me.

which. really isn't a good thing to do. as a person and also as a christian.
love of my Fellow Human Beings is not something i am prepared to give yet.

it's not called erasing. it's called dusting with a duster.
it's cos the chalk was scratched across the whiteboard very screechingly, and annoyingly.

if i have secondguessedmyself onethousand times i will. oh goodness.

i just want to be free of things.

last thing i want to subconsciously follow
wtf is wrong with me sometimes?

dont know how i'm gonna survive.
i'd better download I WILL SURVIVE. it's SUCH a bouncy song.

i'm secondguessing myself til i'm literally turning cartwheeels. i give up. bed yeah?
yeahh.

those photos

2005-03-19T10:01:00.000-08:00

and so it is again.

-
there are tons and tons of photos (okay, maybe ten). and i look superb (if a little BIG sized i dont even look fat just... big. SOMETHING NEEDS TO BE DONE ok topic for another day). clumps of people i despise. but he is not there. so many photos but he isn't in any of them.

DOES THIS MAKE SENSE. probability wise, you know. i look around and i see them some even looking at the camera.

i guess it says something that even in my pictorial memories there is no friendly face; i can't even pretend there was. okay, not no friendly face, couple of the girls who were okay.

maybe really it's just that i wanted him to at least be in a photograph. cause i'm quite sure i'll never see any of them again. (not so sure i'd love to see them, anyway) well, i'll see them around? never seen him since that day. i don't know why the thought keeps crossing my mind each time i see the photos cos it was a detached friendliness. dont think he ever thought about the sortof angsty girl who sat there looking like she hated everyone. which she did. oh well.

to have memories of them but not even him. that really sucks.
though he was always just with the crowd of them and talked to me just once.

i'm going to do some mad running when i wake up. that is, if i wake up before 12pm. running in the heat will not be that great.

2005-03-19T05:58:00.000-08:00

i think that i actually have the energy to type in coherent sentences. without forever pressing the enter key because. just because. okay eli how coherent. i feel it; my drive is back. my drive to beat every single person on the planet. -grin-

I FEEL GOOD!

(wait, is that the carlsburg advert, or something)

warning: this blog is going to get. very. pseudo poetic.

i have been too tired (?) lately to write down any thoughts in a poetic manner. as in. not even poetic but even just in any manner. i've been doing this:

today sucked
and i dunno why hai
oh i must work HARD

and.
once i muster the energy to, i shall, i guess.

i am like BOWLED OVER by all these interesting websites

2005-03-17T22:34:00.000-08:00

... and my own looks amateurish.
BUT NEVAH FEAR, i shall be soo busy re-doing it. soon. well the POINT is to get it UP first

mogwai - happy songs for happy people
http://joatmoaf.typepad.com/i_love_jet_noise/2004/05/top_ten_feel_go.html
switchfoot - i dare you to move
http://tragicallymindraped.blogspot.com
http://plato.stanford.edu/contents.html
http://schools.moe.edu.sg/rjc/subjects/english/gp/index.htm
http://www.sfsite.com/01b/dis73.htm
MUST FIND. DISPOSESSED!
natural progression from posession. ahaha.
dunno if econs is interesting, gotta read this first
http://www.swlearning.com/economics/econ_debate.html
THIS IS FREAKING COOL. freaking. http://www.freeinfosociety.com/
eli may actually like philosophy. also cos i finally finished the damned essay and my mind is now open to the joys of philo. that essay really sucks >< good

2005-03-16T22:40:00.000-08:00

FUCKKKKKK
KKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK
FUCK FUCK FUCK
FUCK
FUCK
FUCK
FUCK
FUCK
I HATE YOU
SERIOUSLY

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKF
FUCK
FUCK
FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKK
FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUXK

i will rmb what friar clifford said
let me write it down so i never forget
"you go around hating people, being jealous and revengeful, and using all these f-words, and at the end of the day, you just end up making yourself more miserable."

i think this year's confession was by far the best.

LORD. i beg of you to help me. your child. please, lord. please.

2005-03-16T08:28:00.000-08:00

tmr morning!
-PHILOOOOOOOO
- JIANBAOOOOOOOO

so repetitive. i will be a happy bunny yes i will .
no more jealousies of the world.

i will run and be thin

i will be happy and enthusiastic about life.

and i will never angst to people again unless i know them really well and they just think i'm happybouncy.

i'm so tired.
philo essay half done!

peeling the flesh back
damn, that sounds disgusting. gotta stop biting my fingers.
what the hell am i trying to do by it? stripping layers off myself? do i really subconsciously believe as i nod off over the keyboard that physically stripping dead skin cells off is going to change me inside out?

perhaps i am too caught up with the metaphorical; that i translate it into my everyday life when stressed. i want to change SO MUCH i have this overwheming need to do away with the old; the sticker-outers. it's how i like to assimilate into the stampeding herds to a fault.

i will not be jealous of anything anyone but REMEDY IT.

but how to make myself a better person?

and why do i want that? cos of what i ultimatelyultimately want. maybe if i cease just THINKING about it, it will magicallyhappen.

its one am.
tired.
goodnight.

chem pt breakdown

2005-03-15T18:52:00.000-08:00

1. advertisement of product (chem electroplating kit)
2. design of box cover (get a box)
3. collect electrolyte from the chem lab!!
4. FIND MATERIALS. wires and batteries and so forth
5. divide up. who takes what experiment (go to some library to do research??)
6. pretty and professional booklet.

WE CAN DO THIS.

physics pt is upsetting me. =( stressing me ouut i tell you.
OKAY. now to do rs music.

my head's above water i'm keeping it here
no matter what

bah

2005-03-15T18:29:00.000-08:00

ok i'm quite pissed right now. i'm siitting in the magic lab attempting to do rs. when i could be at home, well, slacking. NO OF COURSE NOT. eating fattening food and doing my homework. like. PHILO ESSAY.
let us hope grace never finds this blog. cos philo essay is SO OVERDUE. oop.

anyway and my friend has thhe NERVE TO REMIND ME OF ALL THHE HOMEWORK TO BE DONE.
while i sit here ATTEMPTING work but actually not doing much of it.
shiteeee.

okay. i will. be calm. ommmm. yes right.
there are six songs to do, yes. damn i can't remember them at a moment's notice. HUMPH am gonna bug my friend who is SITTING AT HOME WOORKING ON HER CHEM PERFORMANCE TASK NO DOUBT. i am infuriated.
1. poppy song at beginning
2. searching
3. stranger song + run
4. cry song
5. lullaby
6. credits

i reallly hope there isnt any hidden camera in this room. because i'm using my phone like no one's business. my fellow film cluster people are talking about HOTCAKES and mc donald breakfast food I WANT. i have food with me but i'm guessing eating in the magic lab is pushing the limits PLUS it's harder to keep if someone walks in really fast.

right um on task.
1. poppy song - the rocky music that exists on the left hand comp or shld have a better one?
2. searching - song of Pain! Loss! Grief! like HELP WHERE ARE YOU OH GODDDDDDDD. this one i need to wriite
3. stranger and run song - can use the clown carnival song but need an escalatingly loud and fast paced section tagged onto the end?
4. cry song- clar's emo piano?
5. lullaby - see if i can digitize the thing i was singing really out of tunely about the fairrrr-y child.
6. credits- can -attempt-

so now is 10.48am, have to vaccate by one. to do list
1. write song of Pain! Loss! Grief!
2. digitize lullaby
3. try to do fastpaced section for the lovelyhaunting clown carnival.
4. breakdown of chem pt so can discuss with nandita when i see her at tsunami stuff

THEN mwahaha I WILL attempt some math homework. will sit down happily somewhere and do the random math stuff in my bag. then tsunami stuff and when i get home,

1. PHILO ESSAY. will hook myself up to some form of nourishment like. ok. i don't know. charlotte church's enchantment yes.
so i do that as long as possible
then
2. hcl jianbao, to get it out of the way
3. read chinese storybook!

ok enough to make me happy for now =) later shall sit in the canteen so i can eat my applethings while doing math.
eli = happybunnyy

2005-03-14T20:23:00.000-08:00

i am stuck in a rut i can nevernever get out of
whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
i am so teenage-angsty nowadays. if tomorrow and tomorrow is gonna be like this; what hope IS there?
i am now angsting about being angsty. i've got to stop being angsty, i KNOW. but i can't get myself out of it. it's a vicious cycle.

this place will be my salve. along with poetry and music. (oho, now i sound so artistically inclined, hahaha).

actually this is just my task-list place.
i hate cramps but i CANNOT do anything about them.
sweating.............................
iwant so bad to find someone
someone to share this all with. who understands me; who i can be happy with. who will not call me angsty.
someone i love.

this is a really bad first post. bad precedents and everything.

there have been so many things i have wanted.
i have gotten none of them and sometimes i wonder whose fault that has been. i knowthe fault is mine. the fault is mine. i can't help but feel bitter at all that i have passed. but you know what? the most chilling thing that ever happened to me.

3.5 GPA TO GET INTO RJ SCIENCE?????

omg.
omgomgomgomgomg

i think all this happened at the right time. someone up there is trying to wake me up. someone is saying WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO WITH YOUR LIFE? i'll say it right here; i want to be a doctor.

spending 1000000000 hours on debate and rmun will fulfil my life but will it distract me from doing what will ultimately make me happy? yes. i'm not known to be the most accomplished and on task person. will i be happy spending that time in the first place? wan wu sang zhi after all.

i'd be so upset and screwedup cos i suck at un model confrences, and i'd be spending all this time being so upset over my inarticulateness. being articulate is not necessarily a bad thing, and of COURSE it'd be helpful in whatever i ever do. but i think a certain amount of thinking about something is just too much, sometimes. i've wanted so much out of debate. i really dunno how much i got back. now's a bad time to judge? ten years from now i will look back and say i learnt so much from this time.

now. now i've just got to acknowledge my failings.
i loved it while i had it. i will not deceive myself any more.

i will devote my energies to what i have to.
chem- the most fascinating thing that has always been just out of my grasp
bio, phys (much less ugh than before), CHINESE i gotta get that a1.

maths.
i will prove to everyone that i can get a 4.0. i know you're all laughing. eli the perennial math failure getting 4.0 for maths? who cares. i have proven that i can do proving =p

i can do anything.

i guess in a way, that was my one last try
and now its goodbye.

i am
emotionally detached now.

i can and i will get what i want.
perhaps i never wanted it enough.

i dreamt of so many things, i wanted so much. it was all a dream. dreams fade. quickly. after you wake up. tomorrow will i be able to recall my dream? i don't know.

i know somewhere inside me i will not completely relinquish hope (where else WILL i go in jc?)

but. for now.

let me set the standards
(i gotta get 3.8 in order to get 3.5 overall. shite)
chem - 100 hence 4.0
bio- i like bio but can't reaally do WELL in it. whyy. 3.6 will suffice
phys- please. 3.6. pleasepleaseplease
math- my precious 4.0 x 2
chinese- ~~65 average equals to 3.2~~ NO. CANNOT. GETTING 3.6. -hopes and crosses fingers-
english- 3.6, dammit. give me my english marks back. i am supposed to be good at english, damn you.
lit - ~~well FINE i have lost my touch with lit at least let me have 3.6?~~ BETTER GET 4.0 JUST In case.
ss- 4.0. MUST.
final gpa: 3.82

3.82 + 3.2 = 3.51

yup. i can do it. mm hmm. and i didn't even well reaaallly slack off last year.
nevah mind. with all that crap outta my system, i'm gonna rock the house.
i'm going to be superbly organised and all that jazz.

i will store in my heart all anyone has ever said and f-ing prove them wrong. this must stem from my newfound love for proving. eli is strong AND resilient. i can do tjis. if i really want something so much AND not purely because my idealized, far out dreams about it appeal to me but because it has special meaning for me. i will get it. i can do anything i set my heart to.

as for my mental traceries of thin paper hearts, of my cloud hearts in the sky. i am so laughable at times.

this is where i will regulate my life. this place of times, lists, resolutions.
hello, my new blog, my new taskmaster.

this makes me happy.
now, to work =)

a weight has been lifted off me. i can continue running. i was hurt but the wounds have been staunched.

ALSO NO PROCRASTINATION LAH YOU IMBECILE.
yeah. ciao.